you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
