The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
