i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
