Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
