my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the day after is always just damage control
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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