I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
