i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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