"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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