I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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