saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
