White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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