We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
