I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
