I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
