1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
