You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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