I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
