I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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