i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
