There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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