What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
