so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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