Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
