i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
