I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
