Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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