the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
