I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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