You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
