Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
