Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
