I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
