I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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