Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
