I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I was not drunk enough for that final.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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