so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was like eating out sand paper
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I smell like Dick and happiness
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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