im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?