hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
