I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
