The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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