I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
