We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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