Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
