My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
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