I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
