I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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