She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
