i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
