i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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