Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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