I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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