Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
