you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
