not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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