Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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