That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
