Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
