it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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