I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize