does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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