dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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