he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize