I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
