the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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